Abbi Gabs

Someone once suggested I read a book on the needs of both women and men. In a single book, the basic needs of women were discussed along side those of men. I remember thinking the portion of the book detailing the needs of men must be brief. I do realize my knowledge is limited to my own man— and stories told by friends about their own husbands, but from what I can see the man-list is a short one.

Just for fun, I’ve decided to make my own lists. Let’s start with the men:

1. Sex. Well, I think that about does it for the guys.

Maybe that isn’t their only need but number two, (which I believe to be home cooked food) isn’t even a close second! I’ve yet to find conditions under which a man stops thinking about sex. Men can be starving, sleep deprived, ill, possibly even have a severed limb, and still have that on their mind! My own husband actually propositioned me the night of his vasectomy! His reasoning, “The doctor didn’t say I couldn’t.” Really? That’s because the doctor didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to try it!

As for the needs of women, I don’t think a list could be made that would encompass the needs of all women. In my own circle of friends, we would struggle to compile a basic list. We are all very different from each other. The truth is I’m not sure I could even create a list of my own needs. First, because I spend most of my time thinking of everyone else’s needs. And second, because the line between my wants and my needs is very fuzzy for me.

I’m not going to attempt to speak for all womankind here, but this is my list of needs.

1. I need basic essentials: food, sleep, shelter, a daily hot shower, soap, toothpaste and dental floss. (Who am I kidding? I rarely floss)
2. My hair needs shampoo, conditioner, mousse, hairspray, hair dye, a great stylist, (Shout out to Jessica!) a good brush and an expensive flat iron
3. I need new underwear. It seems my supply never matches my demand. Today I reached into my drawer to find another pair of panties that had been attacked and killed by my dog. And, in case you’re wondering— No. I am not wearing them. I threw them away.
4. I need to have my gas pumped.

That is my list of needs. My list of wants is much longer. But, in the interest of time, I’m going to stick to a list of things I do not want, and I’m going to limit my list to things I don’t want from my hubby.

1. I do not want any gift from the small appliance aisle at Wal-Mart. A waffle iron— even if it does make heart shaped waffles— is not an appropriate Valentine.
2. I do not want you to tell me to calm down.
3. I do not want you to ask me, “Are you PMSing?” (The choke hold I have around your neck should answer that question.)
4. I do not want to touch your underwear. This includes folding them, putting them in your drawer and picking them up off the floor.
5. I do not want you to tell me the truth when I ask you if the outfit makes me look fat,
6. I do not want you to grab my tush in the grocery store. When I say I don’t want you to do this, it is not a joke. I am not flirting with you. I am not saying that I actually do want you to grope me. If you feel the need to touch someone’s butt, please touch your own, or wander over to the meat department and I’ll catch up with you near the ham hocks
7. I do not want you to tell me I’m gorgeous. I am not gorgeous and I will know you are only trying to achieve the number one item on your list.